A year ago, on New Year’s Eve, I made a choice I have regretted a thousand times since. I was not thinking clearly and I decided to try to end my life. I overdosed on my medication with a dose that was high enough that it could have been fatal had my friend not sought emergency help for me. I am so thankful that she was there and I’m thankful to the emergency room doctors and nurses who provided care. I am thankful to all the people in my life who have fought to keep me here, when I was directly fighting them. My will to live was completely gone and I thought I was a curse to everyone. I honestly believed everyone was better off with me gone. If you feel this way, please know it gets better. It takes a lot of work. It’s not easy. I’m not going to lie and say I never struggle. I do. Sometimes I feel like it’s two steps forward and one step back. But if I could do anything, I would go back and undo my mistake a year ago. Having seen the pain it causes people when someone makes that choice, I don’t wish that on anyone. Please never give up. Seek help. Healing does take place, sometimes slowly, but it will come. Reach out to professionals. Go to the ER. See a counselor. Call 911. Call 988. NEVER GIVE UP! You’ve got this. Much love your way.

Thankful

I’m thankful that although I gave up one year ago, I’m still here.
I stood at the edge of the lake of fire that is hell and dove off that pier.
I’m thankful for those that helped me when I couldn’t help myself.
When I gave up, so many people stepped in and gave of themselves.

Their emotions were many, some feeling anger or fear.
My mind was all muddled with pain and I couldn’t see clear.
I’m truly sorry for what I put them all through.
I could only see one way out of what I’d gotten myself into.

I’ve regretted my actions a thousand times since that day.
So much pain I could have prevented had I decided to stay.
If I could take it all back with what I know now, I would.
Damaged relationships I would change if I could.

I’ve learned many things since that day a year ago.
Things that may have changed my choice had I known.
First and foremost, people love me and would suffer had I died.
The pain would have been immense, but my brain lied.

I was convinced that they were better off without me.
I thought I was a curse but that was not true you see.
I’ve seen the pain of loved ones when someone takes their life.
There are so many questions, so much sorrow and strife.

Watching others suffer through these trials awakens my mind,
To the troubles my family and friends would have to find.
If I had succeeded, I would have shattered their hearts.
As it is, what I did left a worrisome mark.

Every time I struggle they question if I’m OK.
But I’m more resolute now that no matter what, I’ll stay.
So many trials over this last year and fights that I’ve won.
It’s still up and down, but so very far I’ve come.

It’s for my loved ones that I pay this recompence.
I must repay their kindness and worry forth hence.
I’ve devoted my life to help others overcome this pain.
If I can help encourage just one, a purpose is made.

There is a reason for this path that I’ve trod thus far.
If I could, I’d hang every single wish I had upon a star,
That I could help just one person chose to hold onto life.
There is so much to live for, so many blessings in sight.

Don’t give up, I promise while it’s not easy it is worth every ounce,
Of effort you have, and on every opportunity please pounce.
Seek what works for you and brings you healing to your mind.
I promise if you never give up, in time peace you will find.

Death is a liar, and while life can feel like you’re floundering.
I promise there are people that care and they won’t leave you drowning.
Seek out the helpers to walk beside and help your trials solve.
Friends, family, and professionals as you bolster your resolve.

You can’t do this alone and thankfully you don’t have to.
I promise life is worth living. I share only the truth.
It won’t be easy, but you’ve made it up to this day.
Work hard and you will find many reasons to stay.

Never give up. You are worth every little bit of strength.
You can overcome every obstacle and go any length.
I believe in you, now believe in yourself.
You’ve got this, don’t give up, reach out for help.

Love to you always, I’m on open ear.
There are many out there like me, ready to hear.
Blessings to you as you head onward today.
May a little ray of sunshine seep into your day.

© Stephanie Blomquist 2025