Meds
I take medications every day, except the days I forget.
They help me to stay sane. They help to ease my fret.
If I don’t take them, I’m not sure if I’m truer to myself.
Maybe the real me is masked by the pills upon the shelf.
Maybe I can’t handle the real me, that’s why I take my pills.
The real me is impulsive and drowning in unnecessary ills.
But the medicated me isn’t much better, I still have ups and downs.
Is it worth taking them and keeping them around?
I feel the medications keep me passive, content with little thought.
I stare off in space, time passing slowly, unconcerned with my lot.
When I’m off my medications, or they aren’t working well,
Anxiety and compulsion make my head race and swell.
So which is better, well neither. It’s not a perfect cure.
We adjust the medications regularly, nothing’s ever sure.
I feel it’s all a game at this point, that I will never win.
Changing doses when I’m in crisis, to try over and over again.
What about the side effects, are they worth the risks?
Then again, without them, crises comes on brisk.
So, they keep me going, but which way has a better quality of life?
I think it’s with the medications, so I continue with this strife.
I feel my brain is broken, and I guess that’s chemically true.
Medications are the catalyst that changes what my neurons do.
It all seems like hocus pocus, but the effects are very real.
If they give you the wrong medication, it’s a very scary deal.
It’s a roller coaster finding the right combination to try.
One medication I was on made me want to die.
Another medication made me giddy and manic.
It was like I was on illicit drugs such as crack.
But I’ve finally found a combination that has me mostly sane.
Most days it helps me function and to numb the pain.
But I wish I didn’t need them. I feel shame like I am weak.
But I just can’t do it on my own, so medications I do seek.
Of course, other measures and friendships help me too.
They are the most valuable assets that help me to get through.
But the medications help me fit into a world I otherwise do not.
So, I’ll continue to take them and do as my doctor says I ought.
©2024 Stephanie Blomquist
