WARNING – This poem speaks of mental illness and suicidal ideation. It is intended to raise awareness of the struggles some people with mental illness face on a daily basis. I wrote it while in a mental hospital struggling with my own suicidal ideation.
Trapped
It’s a reality I can’t escape.
It’s a feeling of dread.
Constantly replying the tape,
In my mind, “You’d be better off dead”.
No shortage of ways to end the pain,
Scream to me to take.
Slowly I am going insane,
Crazier my mind to make.
Pills, self-harm and alcohol,
Help to soothe the pain,
But those don’t fix it all.
The pain continues to reign.
Feeling I’m a failure.
An inconvenience to my friends.
A mistake you can be sure.
Misery never ends.
Yes, I have times of peace.
When my mind is kind to me.
When things come together with ease.
When with clarity I can see.
But depression clouds my vision,
As it comes up again and again.
I see no way out of this prison.
My mind rehearsing my sins.
I feel I am a mistake.
A burden to those around.
Sometimes my life I want to take.
I withdraw without a sound.
But these times don’t last forever.
The intensity gradually fades.
Depression like a tether,
All but unravels some days.
But peaceful moments come and go,
As does my resolve to continue.
Ups and downs are all I know.
Being worn out and tired too.
I live for the moments of peace,
And I live for my kids.
I keep hoping to find a new lease,
On life, the darkness to rid.
Many feel they have the answers.
Religion, medication and therapy.
They think they have a cure,
But this battle is lifelong you see.
There is no cure for my illness.
The battle never ends.
Sometimes more, sometimes less.
But it’s bearable with my friends.
Support keeps me going,
In the times when I feel low.
Seeds of kindness sowing.
Their love I crave to know.
For others I won’t give up,
Although the fight will never end.
I will ever, always be tough,
Surrounded by my friends.
So, while the battle’s always raging,
And tired I may become.
Each day I keep on going,
Is a day I’ve already won.
©2024 Stephanie Blomquist
