I wrote this when feeling incredibly down and having some very horrible things happening in my life. It’s dark but it reflects my low points.

Depression And Anxiety

Depression is a cruel master; It holds you in chains.
Day after day is filled with many sharp pains.
When depression lifts, anxiety swoops in.
Was I clenching my jaw? My teeth grind again.

Why am I such a mess. Why can’t happy I be?
“Focus on the positive and depression will flee”.
It’s hard work to be happy and I haven’t found it yet.
Brief moments of happiness turn to regret.

Regret that I’m not perfect and I’m judged for my pain.
People deride and abuse me again and again.
They take away my reasons for living and expect me to thrive.
They take away my treasures and my sources of pride.

They tell me I’m not good enough to keep them because of my ills.
So they take them for themselves and throw at me pills.
“Get it together” they say mockingly to my face.
Meanwhile they slap on more trials; I feel life’s a waste.

I’ll never measure up to their expectations and wants.
I’m a damn good person, but not good enough they taunt.
I just want to make a difference in this world that I’m in.
But it seems that my life is a curse; That I’m a sin.

The depression tells me I’m better off dead.
I don’t fit in in this world. I slump on my bed.
Maybe in the afterlife I’ll be accepted and understood.
Maybe there they will see me not as bad, but as good.

But on I continue to trudge though the muck.
Hoping some day for a change in my luck.
Maybe I’ll find somewhere I’ll be accepted and found.
Somewhere people won’t leave me when I’m feeling down.

A sense of belonging would help me battle on.
But everyone leaves me. Soon they’ll be gone.
No one sticks around if I show them my pain.
They leave when they feel they can’t help again.

I guess I understand but I’m not that way.
I stick by my friends day after day.
They don’t have to be perfect for me to love them.
I just wish they wouldn’t leave me, but choose to defend.

But alone again, I’ve accepted my doom.
I push on through the struggles and gloom.
I’ll keep trying to be happy though my brain hates me.
Maybe someday I’ll find the answer, the key.

(c) 2024 Stephanie Blomquist